The Key Difference Between Pain and Suffering–And Why It Matters
I know this sounds abstract and "out there", but it's a practical idea you can use today:
Pain is what happens; suffering is how we interpret that pain.
Understanding the difference helps you cultivate resilience against life's many challenges.
Pain vs. Suffering: What’s the Difference?
Pain is the natural discomfort that comes with life—interpersonal conflicts, physical pain, and setbacks. An unavoidable part of life.
Suffering, on the other hand, is how we interpret that pain. It’s the mental anguish we often add through catastrophizing, self-blame, spiraling thoughts, or playing the victim.
Simply put: pain is what happens; suffering is how we interpret that pain.
Here are some examples:
- Pain: You get laid off.
Suffering: “My career will never recover from this.” (Catastrophizing) - Pain: Your vacation flight is delayed.
Suffering: “Of course it had to be my flight. Luck is never on my side." (Playing the victim) - Pain: You trip and hurt yourself
Suffering: "Why am I so careless? Now I just ruined my whole day." (Self-blame) - Pain: You have a minor disagreement with your partner.
Suffering: “Do they not respect me? What if this turns into a huge fight? Are we incompatible?” (Spiraling thoughts)
Small Problem or Catastrophe? It's Up To You
I had planned a productive day of writing at a café. But on my way there, my wife called: our house door wouldn’t open.
As I drove back, my car brakes momentarily stalled. ("Oh my god, is my car breaking down right now?") At the same time, an urgent work email popped up on my phone.
My thoughts spiraled: Will a locksmith even be available this late? What do we do for the night? Why today, of all days?
By the time I got home, I was thoroughly stressed. But then… my wife had already opened the door. Thankfully, it was a minor issue. A locksmith fixed it days later, and I quickly forgot about it.
The real issue wasn’t the lock—it was my reaction. My mind had turned a small problem into a catastrophe, and I paid for it with unnecessary stress.
A Farmer and His Horse
There’s an old parable I love about how we choose to frame life events:
One day, the farmer’s horse runs away. His neighbor says, “Oh no, such bad luck!” The farmer simply replies, “We’ll see.”
A few days later, the horse returns, bringing a wild horse with it. The neighbor exclaims, “How wonderful!” The farmer again says, “We’ll see.”
Soon after, the farmer’s son tries to ride the wild horse and breaks his leg. The neighbor sighs, “What terrible luck.” The farmer, again, says, “We’ll see.”
A week later, soldiers come to the village, drafting all able-bodied young men for war—but the farmer’s son is spared due to his injury. “How lucky!” the neighbor says. The farmer just smiles, “We’ll see.”
The lesson? Most events in life are neither purely good nor bad. It’s how we frame them.
Pain or Suffering?
Next time you feel stressed, ask yourself, "Is this really as bad as it seems?"
To be clear, I'm not trying to undermine all suffering. Major sources of pain, such as losing a loved one, lead to suffering no matter what we try to tell ourselves. Grief, hardship, and adversity are real, and no mindset shift can change that.
Yet, only a handful of life events are truly life-changing, while the rest can be interpreted as either good or bad. It’s not that more good things happen to optimists and more bad things to pessimists—it all comes down to how you frame it in your mind.
By practicing this mindset shift on small frustrations — traffic, delays, inconveniences — we can maintain our well-being and build resilience for life's bigger challenges.
Do you feel like there's a big gap between your ideal and current life? That's how I felt for years until I took action. Since leaving my full-time job, I've built a career I feel deeply passionate about, made more time for my loved ones, and began pursuing passion projects (like this blog!).
I created a practical guide filled with actionable, research-backed ideas to help you build the life you want – many of which helped me on my own journey.
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